What are you thankful for today?  I asked this to Alaina the other day and she spouted off 5 things right away.  If you really had to think about it and dig deep, what are some things you're thankful for that you don't just spout off?  Obviously family, friends, pets, etc but if you really look into WHY are you so thankful for those things?

I am so thankful for friends that become so close they're more like family.  You can show up to their house unannounced and they have piles of laundry everywhere and haven't showered.  You don't care about any of that because you just want to be around them.  I don't know about you but one of my top love languages is quality time.  I don't care what your house looks like, your kids can be running amuck, it doesn't matter. If I get to spend time with you I'm happy.

I'm grateful for a husband that goes and gets me a fountain drink everyday.  Sometimes he surprises me with an extra treat.  He fills up my gas tank so I don't have to, he helps clean up dishes after I made dinner for the family.  I love that he is passionate about coaching.  He's one of my favorite people in the w
hole world, the person I like hanging out with the most, the one I love doing absolutely nothing with or going "treasure hunting" (we love thrifting and flea markets).  I am thankful to have a partner in marriage that loves me, protects me, takes care of me, but also encourages me to follow my dreams.

I'm grateful for my kids.  They're so very different as mentioned before.  Each one unique and both are hilarious, especially when they're not trying to be.  Now that they're teenagers I don't get as much time with them as I'd like but last week we sat down for dinner, just the three of us (Pat was at a soccer practice) and no one had their phone.  It wasn't forced, I didn't tell them they couldn't have their phone on them but we had a real conversation and enjoyed each other's company and it filled my cup overflowing to have that time with my kids because who knows when the next time will be that it happens again.  

I am thankful to live close to my parents and have a great relationship with them.  I travel with my mom at least once a year to visit my brother and his family.  It's one of my very favorite things.  I love road trips anyone but the undivided one on one attention (typically Alaina sleeps majority of the drive) is something I'll treasure forever.  I haven't seen my parents as much this year as I typically do due to me having bronchitis, sinus infection, and ear infection at the end of December/beginning of January and then right into Covid.  Thankfully we're all better and healthy now.

I just wanted to post a quick blurb because this was all on my heart today to share.  So what are YOU grateful for?  I'd love to hear it!

 I want to start off first and foremost by stating that Pat and I are not perfect parents by any means nor do we claim to be.  This is just my ramblings of things I think are important as a parent and I wish I would have had (like an instructional guide) when we first became parents back in 2005.  By the way, looking back we were still babies ourselves but you couldn't tell us any differently.

I remember once during a church service out pastor stated that parenting has stages.  It completely made sense and resonated with me: 

18-24 months = Nurturing

2-5 years = Authoritative

5-adolesence = Interpretive

adolescence = interdependent

late adolescence - adulthood = departure

If you're interested in more, here's the link to the site: https://www.melbournechildpsychology.com.au/blog/adapting-your-parenting-style-for-your-childs-developmental-stage/

Very interesting if you think about it.  Our parenting styles change throughout our kids lives as they grow and mature.  We are currently in the adolescence stage.  There have certainly been joys and tests at every stage.  When Declan was in elementary school we'd get several calls from the principal and it was honestly a real struggle to feel like we were doing a good job as parents and not failing.  Ever since he started 6th grade and was able to move classes every hour we haven't had nearly as many issues.  Alaina as a baby was tough.  She was into everything, always making messes and testing our patience.  As she has gotten older we have grown to love her hyperactive self and her love of life.  She loves big and is an advocate for the underdog.  She is adventurous and always willing to try new things.  Declan is more analytical and practical.  Something Pat and I did when they were really young was try to figure out how God had wired them and really help them develop along that path.  When Declan was little he LOVED cars/hot wheels.  He wanted you to "play" with him but you weren't allowed to touch any of the cars.  He would line them up perfectly in a line and there could not be any out of place.  He is a rule follower to his core and has made the teenage years a breeze so far.  Alaina thrives in chaos.  She loves making new friends, isn't shy from being the center of attention, and is super social.

Navigating the teenage years as a parent of a female has been very different.  Last year was rough with lots of friend drama, losing friends, constant gossip, you name it.  I hate seeing my kids hurt or sad.  I truly felt for her and we navigated through those tough waters the best we could.  Once all of the friend drama settle down Alaina got her first boyfriend.  This brought on new worries, guiding moments, lessons, etc.  It's difficult sometimes knowing how much independence to give while still protecting them and teaching them how to be more mature.  So far it's been good (from what we can tell) and the boy is super sweet and kind to her.  I've really felt it necessary to remind her of her worth, value, how much she's loved, and that she deserves respect.  It is important to look ahead and know that she will eventually have her first broken heart so trying to remind and instill in her who God says she is up front.  Also reminding her that you need to treat others the way you want to be treated so if she wants to feel respected, loved, valued, she needs to do the same.  This goes whether it's a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend.  Declan on the other hand has no interest in a girlfriend because he says he's not ready to pay for someone else all the time.  He's focused on his car and work and of course video games.

I say all of this because many times over the past 16 years the kids have asked Pat or I to sit in the bathroom while they shower.  It's typically when they are the most talkative and vulnerable.  Maybe it's because they can hide behind a curtain and can't see us, who knows.  We've always had the policy that you can ask us ANYTHING and we'll be honest in our answers.  I'd rather them know correct terminology and "processes" from one of us than from a peer, etc.  I don't think there has ever been a time that one of us has said no.  This is our time as a parent to be interested in what they're interested in.  We started this when they were babies, it they're interested in trains, hello kitty, whatever it may be, that was the most important thing to us, too.  Now that they're teenagers we don't get the chance to listen to them tell us things as much as they now want their privacy, however when they do ask for us to listen we do just that.  Don't offer advice or guidance unless they ask for it.  I think that because we practiced this when they were little they're both pretty open with their personal lives and tell us a lot about things that are going on without fear of how we'll respond.  They have to know that we are trustworthy and aren't going to freak out if they tell us something.  

Parenting can be tough and exhausting but it can also be a huge blessing.  I have learned more about myself than I ever knew possible after having someone that acts just like me.  I am extremely grateful that so far the teenage years have been easy.  I know we're just getting started so pray for us ;). 

1. Listen to your kids without giving advice or trying to fix things unless asked

2. Don't be afraid to adjust your parenting style based on what "phase" you're in

3. Enjoy the time you get to spend with your kids doing things THEY love

4. Enjoy the heck out of them because it really does go by so freakin fast

 It's been so long since I've posted anything in here but I've had so much running through my mind lately.  Both of the kids are now teenagers.  Declan is 16, has his own car and a job.  Alaina just turned 14 and still plays soccer and now has a boyfriend added into the mix.  It's been an interesting few years.  Pat and I have been working remotely since the whole Covid thing started back in March of 2020.  It's for sure had it's ups and downs.  I love not having to commute and being home when my kids are here but it can be trying as well especially during the summer when all 4 of us are at home or when the kids were doing virtual learning.  I have to say I'm so proud of the kids and their ability to adapt to change and roll with it. I tell Alaina all the time that I'm amazed and how she works hard and plays club soccer, at one point she was on 3 teams, does extra trainings, gets good grades and still has a social life.  Since Declan quit soccer his grades have been good and he's doing well at work.  He only works 3 days a week (during the school year) but he's now a team lead/trainer and has only been working since July 2021.  It's amazing how much pride you have when your kids do well and succeed in life.

With all of that said, the age that my kids are at now really brings memories flooding back of when I was their age.  The choices that I made, the friends that I had, the things we'd do for fun.  Would I go back, absolutely not.  I really enjoy my life now.  Although, especially with girls, it's so much drama.  No matter how much you tell your kids you love them, you're proud of them, they're awesome, and precious, and valuable they don't seem to get it when it comes from mom and dad.  I think it's so incredibly important for kids to have a coach, mentor (aunt/uncle/etc), boss, whatever that can speak into their lives even if it's saying the exact same thing, it's not mom and dad and will most likely be received differently.  The older I get the more I realize I don't know especially about parenting.

I just wanted to write a quick note to say how grateful I am for my husband and my kids, for the friends that they have made along the way and the friends I've had for many years.  I'm grateful that I get to be home even if it's because of a global pandemic.  I am so very thankful that I have a close relationship with my parents (especially my mama).  I'm just incredibly thankful!

All Aboard the Crazy Train

Have you ever had that moment in life or in parenting where someone asks "where are you headed" and the only thing that comes to mind is "crazy"?  I don't know how many times I've said that to my kids as a response to "where are we going".  In this thing called life, things can get crazy and it sometimes feels like you're sinking.

I've been blessed to be married for about 12 1/2 years now and Pat has become my confidante, cheerleader, comfort, and rest.  At the end of the day I know I have my family who always has my back no matter what life may throw our way I know we can get through it together.  Through the years I've had to really think about who I am now and who it is I want to be or who I think God wants me to be.  It's hard sometimes to figure out what your purpose is in this life or what you're put here to do that really brings glory to God and that you just absolutely love doing.  Just the other day I was sitting at work and I was thinking, man I really like my job.  I get to meet new people all the time and I help keep myself and my recruiters organized but is that really my calling?!  Is that really what I was put here on earth to do?

As much as I hate to admit it because I'm almost as old as his mother, I am a Justin Bieber fan.  Don't hate me!  Anyway, I've found myself listening to some of his interviews he's done recently and just things he's said and how he's changed.  I remember when Pat and I were about his age, early 20s and it felt like we were being pulled in a million directions.  I was a new Christian myself and Pat was as well.  We were trying to navigate through figuring out who we were and what we needed to become.  We both knew we wanted to have kids and start a family and we had some mentors and absolutely amazing friends that we could trust and bounce decisions off of that were much further along in their christian walk than we were.  I'm so thankful that we had those friends then and that we still have those friends today.  There have been so many times in my life where I just needed someone to listen, other times where I needed Godly advice from someone who wasn't afraid to tell me the truth but to tell me in love.  Back to the Biebs...I think about how hard is was for me and for Pat being average joe's trying to navigate that time in our lives.  I cannot even imagine what it's like for a star, any star, to go through that time in their life, feeling alone, vulnerable, and just sometimes lost.  I think it's amazing that with him being so young and as rich and famous as he is that he seems to be grounded and he's been able to seek out mentors that really speak life into him, help him through his struggles.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to find people who you can actually trust and aren't just after you for your fame or fortune.

The more I thought about the Biebs the more I realized, he's away from his family so much.  Touring the world and being gone so much has to be hard.  Having to put on a smile when you're having a bad day or when you're feeling lonely or sad I'm sure is tough.  Something that popped in my head as a comparison when my mind was just wandering aimlessly while thinking about this the other night is our friends that are more like family went through something similar.  Granted they're not superstars or rich and famous but they gave up everything, traveled the country to raise money to be able to become missionaries in another country.  They're away from everyone and everything they knew to give selflessly to those around them.  I thought about while traveling how many times did they get a home cooked meal, how many times did they get to just relax and rest, how many times did they get to stay in a home instead of just a hotel.  Here's what my thinking is: One of my very favorite things to do was to have them stay with us when they came through St. Louis.  Even though our home is small and it was a total of 9 of us staying here, I loved every minute of it.  I liked making food for them, giving them a home to relax, feel rejuvenated because here's the thing, when you're at our house I don't wait on you.  We want you to be comfortable with making yourself at home.  If you're thirsty grab a drink you shouldn't have to ask.  I was just thinking how awesome it would be to be a "host home" for missionaries passing through.  One of my love languages is Acts of Service.  I love doing things for people and just seeing them happy and enjoying their time.  I want my life to make a difference in others, not merely go to work, come home and go to bed.  Who's with me?!

Why do we...

As I'm sitting at home alone for a little while (Pat took the kids to the library so I could have a little peace and quiet) I was cleaning up the kitchen and doing a quick load of laundry and vacuuming.  While I was physically doing things, my mind was somewhere else completely.  Why do we as women, or maybe it's just me, rely on what others think of us so much?  We put on a facade that we have the best family, the most amazing kids, we compare our bodies to other women, and we take to heart when someone tells us we're pretty (or the opposite).  It made me start thinking of my past…

In 6th grade I remember having my first boy/girl birthday party and I was so excited.  We played the game spin the bottle and it was akward and weird but fun.  I remember at that age, 11 or 12 years old thinking that I needed to be something that I thought guys wanted.  I came from a loving family, both of my parents are still married today so why did I feel it was necessary to do whatever means necesary to get guys' attention?  Move forward to 7th grade.  I had my first "boyfriend" and despite everyone telling me he was only looking for one thing, I ignored them and we had fun hanging out.  We went to a bonfire, because that's what you do when you have friends in the boonies ;).  I did some things that looking back, I regret.  He never forced anything on me, never pressured me to do anything, never was rude or mean to me.  After that night, I broke things off pretty quickly realizing my friends were right and they love me and were trying to protect me. Then along comes high school.  I'm at a friend's house and I see a cute guy and ask her who he was.  Come to find out he lived up the street from her and was friends with a mutal friend of ours.  He had a girlfriend at the time, so I didn't think much of it but we all started hanging out as friends.  During this time, I was still concerned with how others saw me or thought of me.  Eventually that guy and I dated for a while in high school and things were great.  He was fun and funny and everyone seemed to like him.  I remember one time specifically he'd come over after school and we were sitting on my front porch talking and I don't remember the whole conversation or the context but I remember his words still to this day, "well you're not the prettiest girl…".  That crushed me.  Why did I care so much about what he thought about my appearance?  Eventually him and I broke up and I decided I was going to work on me.  I eventually got saved and started exercising regularly, started wearing make up (yeah I didn't really wear any until my senior year of highschool), and I started reading my bible.  Then comes another guy.  He's a friend of a friend, and they introduced me to him knowing that I hadn't had a boyfriend in a while and we were just looking to hang out and have fun, nothing serious.  This guy, he told me how pretty I was and how he liked my eyes.  He would bring me flowers and despite my best efforts, I ended up falling for him and we dated all summer before my senior year.  Even though I got saved pretty much right before I met him, I went down a dark path while dating him and really started relying on his word and his thoughts of me.  He ended up cheating on me and leaving me at a school dance and I was devastated.  I think this set the tone of trust for any of my future relationships.  It makes it hard for me to now believe my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves everything about me.  There's always that little voice in the back of my head that is saying "he doesn't really mean it, he's just saying that to get what he wants".  I hate that those thoughts creep in, that they play over in my mind because it's not my husband's fault that someone else hurt me.  I have no reason to doubt him when he tells me I'm beautiful.  I still have a hard time not comparing myself to other women and feeling like I don't measure up.

Anyway, so as all of these thoughts about my past are running through my mind, I start thinking about Alaina.  I want her to know who she is in Christ, that's she's beautiful and treasured.  I want her to know that we love her no matter what and that God has big plans for her future.  I don't want her to have to rely on what boys tell her or what her friends say.  I don't want her to compare herself to other girls because she's special and unique and God only made one of her.  I love how happy and sweet and silly and funny she is and I know that if I love all of that about her, how much more does God love all those things (and more) about her?!  I'm just rambling on but basically my goal, as a mom, is to just instill in her who she is in Christ so she never has to rely on the world's opinion of her.

Thinking about the Past

Have you ever had those moments in life when you look back and you're just amazed of what you've been through and whom you have become?  Most of the time people reflect on things around special dates like a birthday or anniversary.  Today I had one of those moments and it was for nothing in particular.  Right after I was thinking about my past and our past as a couple, I received a text from Pat,

"I was just thinking about you and it made me happy.  If I had to, I would choose you all over again."

First of all, this totally made my day.  Just to know that he was thinking about me the same time I was thinking about him made me happy.  Second, it's interesting because he doesn't always send me texts like that, but he did today and right around the same time that I was reminiscing.  So today I was just randomly thinking about how God has weaved everything together in my life as well as our lives together.

When Pat and I started dating, we were only 18 years old.  I had only had 1 serious boyfriend and only "dated" two other guys prior to meeting him.  The guy that I dated before I met Pat had cheated on me and broke my heart and I went a year without dating anyone and promised myself that I would wait for the one that God wanted for me.  I had recently gotten saved and when I met Pat he wasn't at all.  Despite all of my adult influences, I disregarded their advice and dated him anyway.  Then, we got engaged at 19, married at 21, and had our first baby at 22.  My only life goals when I was younger were to get married, have kids, go to college, and I wanted to be a stay at home mom (SAHM).  Well when Declan was 6 months old, I quit my job to stay home with him and started babysitting.  Things were pretty great for a while, we were newly married couple, had an amazing, laid back baby, everything was great.  About 18 months after Declan was born I found out I was pregnant with Alaina.  We moved into a new apartment (on the 3rd floor) and we were excited to be expanding our family.  I was still staying home with Declan and babysitting and for the most part it was great.  Pat decided to go back to school in the fall of 2007 and I was due 12/29/07.

This is when difficulty started entering into our marriage.  I started becoming resentful and jealous that he never wanted to go to college and yet he got to go and I was "stuck at home" all the time.  Even though it's what I wanted, to stay at home, now I was feeling resentful and jealousy.  For about a year I wasn't sure we were going to stay married.  I wasn't sure that we could keep the covenent that we had made on 12/18/04.  When you get married, vows typically include "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer".  I think a lot of times we as humans think that it's optional.  We went through some incredibly tough times, some hurtful times, and some very poor times.  I would be lying if I said all 11 years of our marriage have been blissful.

Thankfully I have a friend that I treasure so much.  She's someone I can trust and that I know will tell me what I need to hear and not just what I want to hear.  I know I can go to her about anything and she will speak truth and life into me.  I'm so thankful for our friendship and even though she lives so far away, I know that I can always count on her.  She was a mentor for me when Pat and I were dating, she was the matron of honor in our wedding and she was the one I turned to (other than God) during the most difficult time in my marriage and my life.

Looking back now, I can see that God used EVERY SINGLE circumstance to make me into the person I am today.  I pray that my kids don't have the kind of heartache that we went through, that we can teach them and raise them to learn from our mistakes so they don't have to experience that.  However, I know that through everything I've learned so much not only about Pat, but about myself.  My ability to love, give generously when I feel like I have nothing left, forgive, extend grace and mercy.  I've also had to learn some very tough lessons.  I am forever grateful for the change in both of our lives, our church, and our family.  I'm thankful that we were able to stick together through thick and thin, to turn to God to get us through the darkest and most difficult times, and to keep moving forward.

Here we are today:
Been married for 11 years
Both college graduates
Have amazing and loving kids
Have great jobs that we enjoy
Have an amazing church
Have a house that we purchased

We couldn't have made it this far if it weren't the support of God, our family, friends, church, mentors, and leaders.  I am extremely thankful and grateful for each experience in my life that has molded me and made me into the person I am today.  And to Pat, I love you more now than I ever thought I could. You're my best friend, and the person I love spending time with the most.  Thank you for loving me, providing for me, being an amazing father and a fantastic husband.

Random Thoughts

First of all Happy Thanksgiving to you all!  It's been a while since I've written a blog post and on my way home from spending time with my family I was thinking.  I started thinking about something I had told my husband on the phone and then it led me to remember this past week's message at church.

So, I call my husband on my way home from my family's Thanksgiving.  Side note, typically we do holiday gatherings together but this year was a unique situation that I'm not going to get into.  I was telling him about our family and I mentioned to him "I forgot to tell you, the other day while at QT some guy called me babe and it caught me off guard and then tonight at dinner, my uncle's brother in law told me that I'm a very pretty girl."  It was weird that in the last week I've encoutered strangers say something like this to me twice.  I've always struggled with believing that I'm beautiful or pretty or whatever.  Since I've been a Christian, I've tried to see myself through God's eyes.  Unfortunately I'm human and honestly I think Pat is the only person that's told me I'm pretty or beautiful besides my grandpa.  I've always found it hard to believe Pat when he tells me I'm pretty or that I look nice.  I've assumed he's just saying it out of duty or because he thinks it will make me feel good.  Then tonight, it hit me.  The reason I don't believe him is because I put my views and thoughts of myself on him and assume he feels the same way.  Especially after having two kids and a desk job…it does some things to your body.  It's not fair to him that I don't believe him when he tells me this and why do I find it flattering or easier to believe when a stranger says it?!?!  The more I thought about it the more I realized that when I don't believe Pat is being genuine and telling me the truth it's like I'm calling him a liar every time he says that.  It creates a little disconnect every time.  This is by no means fair to him at all.  This brought me to think of our church message last week.

The pastor was talking about putting others before ourselves and how that creates joy in our lives.  Joy is something we choose where happiness is caused by our circumstances.  I agree with this 100%.  He went on to talk about pride and not forgetting where we came from.  This message has really stuck with me this week as this is something I struggle with daily.  I honestly love to help people and I love doing things for other people, however, people that really truly know me know that I love to be right.  This is something I have to be very conscious about when discussing things, especially with Pat.  I hate that I have this quality and I'm always trying to get better about not always having to be right and I would love to say that I'm getting better but honestly, I'm not sure that is true.  Nine times out of ten, Pat will be the first one to say sorry.  He's the one that smiles and let me go on and on about why I'm right.  Even though he lets me go on and on, sometimes it drives me crazy because I know he doesn't believe that I'm right even though I know I am.  Oh and apparently I'm a control freak, too.  Can you tell?

So to tie everything together, I was thinking about my views about myself and how I'm right and Pat shouldn't think that I'm beautiful.  After all my body doesn't look anything like it did when we started dating 13 years ago and I certainly am not as energetic as I used to be.  Through it all though, I need to remind myself that he loves me for more than just my outward appearance.  Even if I don't believe I'm beautiful, I need to believe him when he says I am.  I need to trust that he's being genuine and sincere and honest.  I'm not in control and I can't be "right" about something that's his opinion.  So, for all you ladies out there that feel less than beautiful but have a loving husband that tells you that you are, believe him.  Make sure you accept the compliment and let him know that you appreciate him, his honestly, and his sincerity.  It will change your life and your marriage and possibly even the way you see yourself!

Proverbs 31:10-31 (msg)
A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it…
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
bt you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the fear-of-God.