Thursday, May 26, 2016

Why do we...

As I'm sitting at home alone for a little while (Pat took the kids to the library so I could have a little peace and quiet) I was cleaning up the kitchen and doing a quick load of laundry and vacuuming.  While I was physically doing things, my mind was somewhere else completely.  Why do we as women, or maybe it's just me, rely on what others think of us so much?  We put on a facade that we have the best family, the most amazing kids, we compare our bodies to other women, and we take to heart when someone tells us we're pretty (or the opposite).  It made me start thinking of my past…

In 6th grade I remember having my first boy/girl birthday party and I was so excited.  We played the game spin the bottle and it was akward and weird but fun.  I remember at that age, 11 or 12 years old thinking that I needed to be something that I thought guys wanted.  I came from a loving family, both of my parents are still married today so why did I feel it was necessary to do whatever means necesary to get guys' attention?  Move forward to 7th grade.  I had my first "boyfriend" and despite everyone telling me he was only looking for one thing, I ignored them and we had fun hanging out.  We went to a bonfire, because that's what you do when you have friends in the boonies ;).  I did some things that looking back, I regret.  He never forced anything on me, never pressured me to do anything, never was rude or mean to me.  After that night, I broke things off pretty quickly realizing my friends were right and they love me and were trying to protect me. Then along comes high school.  I'm at a friend's house and I see a cute guy and ask her who he was.  Come to find out he lived up the street from her and was friends with a mutal friend of ours.  He had a girlfriend at the time, so I didn't think much of it but we all started hanging out as friends.  During this time, I was still concerned with how others saw me or thought of me.  Eventually that guy and I dated for a while in high school and things were great.  He was fun and funny and everyone seemed to like him.  I remember one time specifically he'd come over after school and we were sitting on my front porch talking and I don't remember the whole conversation or the context but I remember his words still to this day, "well you're not the prettiest girl…".  That crushed me.  Why did I care so much about what he thought about my appearance?  Eventually him and I broke up and I decided I was going to work on me.  I eventually got saved and started exercising regularly, started wearing make up (yeah I didn't really wear any until my senior year of highschool), and I started reading my bible.  Then comes another guy.  He's a friend of a friend, and they introduced me to him knowing that I hadn't had a boyfriend in a while and we were just looking to hang out and have fun, nothing serious.  This guy, he told me how pretty I was and how he liked my eyes.  He would bring me flowers and despite my best efforts, I ended up falling for him and we dated all summer before my senior year.  Even though I got saved pretty much right before I met him, I went down a dark path while dating him and really started relying on his word and his thoughts of me.  He ended up cheating on me and leaving me at a school dance and I was devastated.  I think this set the tone of trust for any of my future relationships.  It makes it hard for me to now believe my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves everything about me.  There's always that little voice in the back of my head that is saying "he doesn't really mean it, he's just saying that to get what he wants".  I hate that those thoughts creep in, that they play over in my mind because it's not my husband's fault that someone else hurt me.  I have no reason to doubt him when he tells me I'm beautiful.  I still have a hard time not comparing myself to other women and feeling like I don't measure up.

Anyway, so as all of these thoughts about my past are running through my mind, I start thinking about Alaina.  I want her to know who she is in Christ, that's she's beautiful and treasured.  I want her to know that we love her no matter what and that God has big plans for her future.  I don't want her to have to rely on what boys tell her or what her friends say.  I don't want her to compare herself to other girls because she's special and unique and God only made one of her.  I love how happy and sweet and silly and funny she is and I know that if I love all of that about her, how much more does God love all those things (and more) about her?!  I'm just rambling on but basically my goal, as a mom, is to just instill in her who she is in Christ so she never has to rely on the world's opinion of her.

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