I want to start off first and foremost by stating that Pat and I are not perfect parents by any means nor do we claim to be. This is just my ramblings of things I think are important as a parent and I wish I would have had (like an instructional guide) when we first became parents back in 2005. By the way, looking back we were still babies ourselves but you couldn't tell us any differently.
I remember once during a church service out pastor stated that parenting has stages. It completely made sense and resonated with me:
18-24 months = Nurturing
2-5 years = Authoritative
5-adolesence = Interpretive
adolescence = interdependent
late adolescence - adulthood = departure
If you're interested in more, here's the link to the site: https://www.melbournechildpsychology.com.au/blog/adapting-your-parenting-style-for-your-childs-developmental-stage/
Very interesting if you think about it. Our parenting styles change throughout our kids lives as they grow and mature. We are currently in the adolescence stage. There have certainly been joys and tests at every stage. When Declan was in elementary school we'd get several calls from the principal and it was honestly a real struggle to feel like we were doing a good job as parents and not failing. Ever since he started 6th grade and was able to move classes every hour we haven't had nearly as many issues. Alaina as a baby was tough. She was into everything, always making messes and testing our patience. As she has gotten older we have grown to love her hyperactive self and her love of life. She loves big and is an advocate for the underdog. She is adventurous and always willing to try new things. Declan is more analytical and practical. Something Pat and I did when they were really young was try to figure out how God had wired them and really help them develop along that path. When Declan was little he LOVED cars/hot wheels. He wanted you to "play" with him but you weren't allowed to touch any of the cars. He would line them up perfectly in a line and there could not be any out of place. He is a rule follower to his core and has made the teenage years a breeze so far. Alaina thrives in chaos. She loves making new friends, isn't shy from being the center of attention, and is super social.
Navigating the teenage years as a parent of a female has been very different. Last year was rough with lots of friend drama, losing friends, constant gossip, you name it. I hate seeing my kids hurt or sad. I truly felt for her and we navigated through those tough waters the best we could. Once all of the friend drama settle down Alaina got her first boyfriend. This brought on new worries, guiding moments, lessons, etc. It's difficult sometimes knowing how much independence to give while still protecting them and teaching them how to be more mature. So far it's been good (from what we can tell) and the boy is super sweet and kind to her. I've really felt it necessary to remind her of her worth, value, how much she's loved, and that she deserves respect. It is important to look ahead and know that she will eventually have her first broken heart so trying to remind and instill in her who God says she is up front. Also reminding her that you need to treat others the way you want to be treated so if she wants to feel respected, loved, valued, she needs to do the same. This goes whether it's a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. Declan on the other hand has no interest in a girlfriend because he says he's not ready to pay for someone else all the time. He's focused on his car and work and of course video games.
I say all of this because many times over the past 16 years the kids have asked Pat or I to sit in the bathroom while they shower. It's typically when they are the most talkative and vulnerable. Maybe it's because they can hide behind a curtain and can't see us, who knows. We've always had the policy that you can ask us ANYTHING and we'll be honest in our answers. I'd rather them know correct terminology and "processes" from one of us than from a peer, etc. I don't think there has ever been a time that one of us has said no. This is our time as a parent to be interested in what they're interested in. We started this when they were babies, it they're interested in trains, hello kitty, whatever it may be, that was the most important thing to us, too. Now that they're teenagers we don't get the chance to listen to them tell us things as much as they now want their privacy, however when they do ask for us to listen we do just that. Don't offer advice or guidance unless they ask for it. I think that because we practiced this when they were little they're both pretty open with their personal lives and tell us a lot about things that are going on without fear of how we'll respond. They have to know that we are trustworthy and aren't going to freak out if they tell us something.
Parenting can be tough and exhausting but it can also be a huge blessing. I have learned more about myself than I ever knew possible after having someone that acts just like me. I am extremely grateful that so far the teenage years have been easy. I know we're just getting started so pray for us ;).
1. Listen to your kids without giving advice or trying to fix things unless asked
2. Don't be afraid to adjust your parenting style based on what "phase" you're in
3. Enjoy the time you get to spend with your kids doing things THEY love
4. Enjoy the heck out of them because it really does go by so freakin fast
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